By Amy Rose Spiegel. One of the most frequent Just Wondering questions we get here at Rookie is some variation on the following: Well, as someone who not only has always been interested in older dudes, but has also dated quite a few of them, I have some things to say about your situation, question-askers.
When I was 15, I was dating a year-old cue gasping. That, by the way, is actually a comparison I made at the time, which is so gross to me now. I romanticized a story about an adult man kidnapping, molesting, and raping an adolescent girl.
At 15 I was smart and self-aware. I thought I was totally prepared to deal with the daily realities of having a boyfriend who was older than me by a decade-plus, which turned out to be less correct. Before I get into the real nitty How old is too old when hookup, though, a few caveats.
First, being attracted to older guys is
How old is too old when hookup and totally normal. Being attracted to someone older just means you are How old is too old when hookup human person who sometimes thinks other human people are sexy! I mean, I know: Acting on those feelings, however, is more complicador. Not every one of these situations is going to be a soap opera about forbidden love and sexual corruption; sometimes it really is about two people who really like and respect each other.
I made my own decisions when I was 15, and I
How old is too old when hookup the majority of the time I spent dating How old is too old when hookup year-old as well as the older dudes who came after him. So, here are the things I wish someone had talked to me about when I was 15—if had, I doubt I would have acted on my proclivity for adult men at least until it was legal for me to do so, or maybe I would have just dialed my actions back a little.
Consider the age difference—how old are you and how old are they? Also, did you know that that song was written for Aaliyah by R. Kelly, who was boning her teenage self at the time? Anaheed told me this last year and I was like EW.
When plotting to French an older person, you might be tempted to rationalize the stretch of time between your two births thusly: Consider how different you are now from how you were two years ago—huge, right? Just as awesome, but with a radically different perspective on what happened in middle school, you know?
That idea also applies to the years between you and an older paramour. Maybe your girlfriend or boyfriend went off to college, maybe you met a cute year-old drummer at a show—these things happen and are fine as long as you feel comfortable with this older person.
Do you feel OK disagreeing with them? Are they respectful of your life outside of your relationship? Do they get along with your friends? Do they treat you as a peer? You have plenty of time to date people older than you, but not nearly as much to have a high-school romance. Teenagehood lasts only seven years. You have literally the rest of your earthly days to date people in their 20s and up, but you can never have a real high-school romance again after 12th grade is over. When you get a little older, the fun first-timeyness that goes with teenage love dissipates.
While love and sex are still the absolute jam, the hot mystery of figuring out how to do them is over with. Because of the whole potential-incarceration-of-their-partner thing, a teenager
How old is too old when hookup have to hide a relationship with an older person from How old is too old when hookup else in their life. Some of the best parts of having a boyfriend or girlfriend involve other people: Keeping things underground gets tiring and frustrating, not to mention a little overwhelming, really quickly.
Because of the taboo nature of our situation, I had to keep Alan hidden from even my bestest of buds. This was really difficult and very isolating.
When he and I got into fights, there was no one in whom I could confide, since no one knew he existed. When I wanted to hang out with him, I had to do a lot of sneaking around and lying to the people I loved.
And when the novelty of having an illicit love affair wore off, I had no one to talk to about how confused and upset I was about certain aspects of the relationship. Having a significantly older partner severely limits the stuff you can do together, too. Basically the only things I could do with Alan regularly were hanging out in his or in secluded places like parking lots and dark corners of public parks.
Sounds really safe and romantic, right? Not to be all dramatic, but seriously: Your natural answer might be the one I would have given when I was But I encourage you to take a step back and consider the motives of anyone significantly older than you.
Also, adults know that seducing teenagers, even willing, smart, self-aware teenagers, carries with it a power imbalance that is ripe for exploitation, and very often qualifies as abuse.
No one who cares about your wellbeing will seek to do this to you, no matter how attracted they might be to your personhood. That, my loves, is fucked. While older people might How old is too old when hookup more about books and kissing and Good Bands of the Past, they probably also know more about how to manipulate people. I thought it was, like, the absolute greatest thing in the world when Alan knew who Samuel Beckett was. You might feel like you and your older person are emotional equals, but again, age and gender differences create power How old is too old when hookup, and those can be leveraged to pressure you into stuff, no matter how self-possessed you are.
When I was with friends or at parties and not immediately answering his text messages, he would become enraged. His logic was that I was being passive-aggressive and uncommunicative by not getting back to him within five How old is too old when hookup, and that this was a childish thing to do. I changed my behavior to better suit his idea of what an adult How old is too old when hookup was like, but now I know that he How old is too old when hookup being the infantile and scary!
All that power-imbalance stuff we discussed in point 5 is really appealing to people who have a need to control their partners, which not only leads to abuse, but is abusive all by itself. Alan freaked out when I was with other people.
How old is too old when hookup tried to turn me against other How old is too old when hookup in my life: A common theme in emotional abuse is the abuser creating distance between the abused person and their friends and family in order to exert control over them.
This finally got me to see Alan for what he was: The questions in your emails tend to go like this: Even if you have a bad experience like mine with Alan, you will get over it. Just be sure—and I say this to you no matter what age your love interest happens to be—that you and of course THEY are responsible and respectful in actions and behaviors; that you are equal partners; that you feel like can get out of it at any time, for any reason, without fear; and How old is too old when hookup you are happy.
All right, get along. As always, be safe and enjoy, ya little minxes. Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you. Sex with a minor is a crime in most countries. Why does this person want to date a teenager?
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